Meet the Lockdown-ers

  1. The cheese ball This guy specializes in sending vacuous quotes that use words like cherish, enjoy, share, be grateful etc. The essence being that however shitty you feel, things are actually amazing. Insufferable
  2. The gloating parent. This person never tires of sharing videos of their offspring playing the piano, drawing egg like humans, writing code or simply discovering penicillin.
  3. The guilty parent will call you late at night clutching a bottle of wine and whispering ‘Am I a bad parent? I can’t take it anymore. All the other parents are posting activities on parents’ groups, I just wanna run away. What is wrong with me?’
  4. The conspiracy theorist will just talk nonsense and bombard you with ‘evidence’ videos in rather poor grammar. In a drinking game you’d be under the table very quickly if you had to drink every time they say 5 G or China. Snooze safely through the videos and say ‘interesting’ every 25 minutes and you’ll be ok.
  5. Mr and Mrs Doom and Gloom. Everything is shit, the world is going to hell in multiple hand baskets, we’ll soon end up eating each other. The lighter version of the Doomers can be quite fun.
  6. The quietly depressed doormouse. Now you rarely hear from the doormouse because he is quiet and depressed but if you give him a poke he’ll share. He’s often gentle and good company.
  7. The raving spiritualist. There is never enough meditation, yoga, Christianity, Islam,veganism, Marxism whatever in your life and this person wants to make sure you stock up. Before it’s too late. Or maybe too early. I’m never sure.
  8. The researcher. Would you like some information on the structure of command of the Polish army in the second world war? Or less known aspects of the Yazidi faith? History of affixation in English? You name it, this is your guy. Very entertaining.
  9. The nostalgic. Do you remember that summer of 1998? Even if you don’t, Mr Nostalgic will send you scanned pictures where you look like morning dew. Take another sip. Cry. Repeat.
  10. Lady Action upon Stations cannot stand idleness. As Lady Bracknell said, a young man should always have an occupation of some sort. She does. She signs petitions and thus she obviously feeds the hungry and fights climate change. She shares videos of breastfeeding in Parliament and takes uncompromising action against toxic masculinity. You tell her you’d like a tiny bit of that just as a memento at your own peril.

6 thoughts on “Meet the Lockdown-ers

  1. You’ve forgotten The Compulsive Cheerer-Upper. She, usually she, sends out daily lifelines of hope to help friends she sees struggling to cope for a variety of reasons all related to staying at home during the pandemic.

    Liked by 1 person

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